When Disrespect Rules Your Home

"Carol, I don't really know how to ask this question without dishonoring my husband in the process, so I'm going to try my hardest.  And maybe it's a marriage question more than a parenting question.  I don't know.  Anyway, here's my question.  I sometimes struggle with whether my first priority is to my kids or to my husband.  We have 5 kids from 4 to 14 and honestly, they take every amount of energy that I have.  My husband often gets jealous about the time I spend with them, and I think he's just being immature.  They're children.  Shouldn't they be both of our first priorities? Oh, and can I be anonymous?" - Anonymous 

First of all, yes, you can be anonymous.  I know that sometimes putting your name out there feels very risky, so I will always honor a request to remain anonymous.  (For the sake of this post, I'll just call you "A.") And secondly, wow, what a question.  And not an easy one to answer.  It's both a marriage and a parenting question. And for me, somewhat of a faith-based question.  

I'd also like to say that my answer doesn't have anything to do with bigger questions like what role the parent plays in the family (stay at home dads - breadwinner moms, etc.)

(I'm geared up for the hate mail . . . but here goes.)

So "A," this is going to sound radically crazy, and maybe even a tad bit unpopular in many circles, but I believe that if you are a married mom, then your number one priority is to love and respect your husband. I'm not saying that feeding your kids and tending to their critical needs won't sometimes come before what your husband needs. Obviously there are things that you have to tend to first.

What I'm saying is that overall, as a general rule, your overarching priority should be centered around loving & respecting your husband. Trust me when I say you will be astounded at how much easier parenting is if you get that part right!

Here's why I said "for me" it's somewhat of a faith-based question.

Ephesians 5:33 says, “So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband – obeying, praising and honoring him."

Why does God tell men to love and women to respect? I can't say for sure. I'm not a biblical scholar, but I do know this; more often than not, homes don’t fall apart because wives stop loving their husbands, they fall apart because they stop respecting them.

WHY IT MATTERS IF YOU RESPECT YOUR HUSBAND

In a home where the mom does not respect the dad, the kids are sure to follow suit.  And a house filled with disrespect is a recipe for a parenting nightmare.

So step number one is to ask yourself, "Do I respect my husband?" Should be a fairly simple answer. You either do or you don't.

Step number two, and this one is harder . . .  ask yourself,"Do I respect my husband's parenting?" And maybe this one is a fairly simple answer as well. But if the answer is no, then you need to ask yourself a few questions.

5 Quick Questions to Help You Respect His Parenting

• What don't you respect about his parenting?
• Is he actually parenting in a harmful way, or is he just parenting in a different way than you? (If your husband is abusive, then all this is out the window. See below)
• Are there places the two of you can comprise in the parenting arena?
• How do you handle comprise?
• Do you let your husband lead, or do you constantly try to be in control? (for me, again this is a faith-based decision. I do think parenting your kids is a joint decision, but who has the "final say?" Someone has to have it.)

I would just like to say again, but rephrased with a positive outcome :) . . . in homes where moms respect dads, in a home filled with respect, parenting is an easier process.

So I say to you moms, love your husband like crazy, but shower him with your respect. Admire the way he leads your family, and let him know it! And then sit back and watch the way it changes your family!

A note to women with abusive husbands.  In this situation, your number one priority is to protect your children.  Please contact me if you need help, and I can give you resources for the area where you live.

TELL ME

What are you struggling with in your role as a mom? What keeps you up at night? If it's too personal to comment below, please email me at thatcaroljones@gmail.com