How to Get Your Kids to Stop Whining (For Real)

Apparently, I am not the only mom in the world who equates whining children with the sound that a sick cat makes (how's that for imagery?)

When my boys were little, I confess, it took me a long time to realize the reason they whined was because I responded to their whining by . . . whining. (Sorry, don't shoot me, but it's true!)

Think about the way you typically respond to whining . . .

(go ahead, I'm waiting for you to actually replay a recent whining scenario in your head).  

You might start off great, all parental-like and all, but at some point you start whining yourself.  

Whining begets whining (pretty sure that's in the old testament). HA.  

But I learned a really valuable "Mommy Mantra" that works like a charm.  I'm going to share with you not only what to say, but also how to say it.

The Mommy Mantra for Whining Children

"I understand what you want, but can you say it in your real girl/boy voice?" 

or 

"I'd like to help you, but can you say it in your real girl/boy voice?"

Validate You Heard Them

First of all, you are validating that you heard them when you say, "I understand what you want," or "I'd like to help you."

Trying to get them to rephrase in a better tone of voice will simply not work if you don't validate that you understand their needs/wants. 

EVEN IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO OR CAN'T COMPLY WITH THEIR REQUEST, YOU MUST VALIDATE . . . yes, I'm kind of yelling that. It's very important. :)

Why Saying "Use Your Big Boy Voice" Doesn't Work

You probably use the phrase "big girl" or "big boy" all the time.  "Be a big boy and go put your toys away," or "Be a big girl in the store for me."  The phrase "big girl and big boy" are overused, so they have virtually no meaning to your child.  (I know, sad, but true.)

So when you say, "Use your big boy voice," you may as well not be saying anything.  They simply aren't going to listen. Saying "real girl voice" changes things up.  It catches their attention.  You're going to have to trust me!

Whatever You Do

This will hands down be the hardest part for most moms; don't get whiny.  

Whatever you do . . .  

Don't.Whine.

Keep a very calm tone and continually repeat, "I understand you'd like (fill in the blank).  Can you say it in your real boy voice?"

If you see it's not working, then switch to modeling the question and tone of voice you want them to use.

The SECOND they rephrase, you'd better act like they just won the Nobel peace prize.  I mean, short of a confetti and balloon drop, it needs to be a CELEBRATION that they changed their whiny tone into a real voice!

After you have done this for a few days (yep, that's really all it takes) then you'll just have to say the mommy mantra "I understand what you want.  Can you say it in your real boy/girl voice?" and they will immediately comply.

Nothing will actually stop the whining from happening in the first place.  But quickly reminding them to rephrase will prevent escalations and temper tantrums and bring peace to your nerves and your home.  

As with anything related to parenting, you have to be consistent.  But if you can consistently use this approach, you'll be astounded at the results.

If you have any questions about this Mommy Mantra, let me know below.  Or, if you have some whining tips of your own, I'd love to hear those too!