How Old Do Your Kids Need to Be to Help Around the House?

"Carol, my kids are 4, 7, and 11 and I'm wondering when is a good age for them to start doing chores around the house?  It feels unfair to have the 11 year old help do everything (even though I know she is capable) but I obviously can't ask a 4 and 7 year old to do chores because they really can't do much of anything.  It's become a sore spot between my husband and I." -Erin Montgomery, Oregon

First off, Erin,  I just have to say how cool it is that someone from Oregon wrote me!  (Yeah, I'm still easily impressed!)  Thanks for your fabulous question.  I know lots of parents struggle with when to start having their kids "really" help out around the house.

I have always been of the firm belief that once your kids are old enough to walk and take stuff out, they are old enough to put stuff away. But I'm guessing that you are talking about something more significant than putting away their toys!  (In case not though, your kids should put away their own toys! HA!)

My general rule of thumb is this; allow your children to help do anything they can help do.

WHAT CAN THEY DO?

I have four year olds (2 of them).  They pick up their dirty clothes and put them in the hamper.  They strip the sheets off their bed on sheet washing day.  They not only pick up their toys, they sort them into the appropriate toy bins (I might have a little OCD!)  

They help put away the clean dishes (pans, plastic storage dishes, and all of the silverware).  They make their beds in the morning.  They take their plates and cups off the table after each meal.

When they get home, they put their backpacks where they go.  And now they are starting to help dust and sweep and fold the clothes.

My point?  A 4 year old is capable of doing A LOT around the house.  And so is a 7 year old and an 11 year old. And it is 100% acceptable for you to expect your 7 year old to do more than your 4 year old, and your 11 year old to do more than your 7 year old.

IF THEY CAN OPERATE YOUR SMART PHONE

When my sons were little, I would tell parents, "Look, if they can operate the tv remote, they can help around the house."  Now, in 2013, I tell parents, "Look, if they can operate your iphone, they can help around the house."

Keep in mind that age appropriate expectations are important. The way your 4 year old makes a bed, will be different than the 7 and 11 year old (and they probably don't do it like a grown up will.) 

HELPER OF THE WEEK

A great thing I used with my boys and will start with my girls when they are 5 is what I call the "Helper of the Week."

Here's how it works:
Everyone has their "regular" chores.  Picking up their own toys, clothes, etc.

But the helper of the week is sort of "on call" for helping out around the house.  You know, the person Mom can say, "Jimmy, will you take this phone into your dad?" or "Will you take these shoes upstairs?" "Will you set the table?" etc.   As the kids get older, the chores get bigger; like, "Will you empty the dishwasher, take out the trash, etc."

In exchange for the work they have to do as the helper, they also have a lot of privileges.  (This was the part my boys loved!)  I purposefully made the privileges anything that was a common sibling fight.  For example, the Helper got to push the grocery cart, ride in the front seat (if age appropriate) take their bath/shower last, have the last piece of cake, pick what tv show or movie to watch, etc.

So, the helper had to do a lot of work during their week, but they also LOVED having so many privileges.

The great thing is, there are no "set chores" for the helper, so whatever the needs are for that week, the helper is on hand to do, and you can completely customize the chores for the age of the child.

And the kids' attitudes are positive because they are thrilled with all of their many privileges!

How long can you do this with your kids?  We started when our sons were 5 and 6, and continued having a "Helper of the Week" until they graduated from high school. (It works that well!)

Modification for Only Children

Obviously, if your child is the only child, the helper of the week doesn't as well, because they would ALWAYS be the helper of the week.  A way to modify is to let Mom and Dad also be the helper, or to have the child be "on duty" every other week.  I've had friends who told me this modification worked great for them?

So what chores should your 4, 7 and 11 year old do?  Any they are capable of doing.  It really is that simple.  Helping around the house provides your children with the opportunity to contribute to the operation of the home and teaches them responsibility from a very early age. It also gives them an incredible sense of accomplishment.

If you serve your children all of their lives and they never get to be contributors in the home, then they will likely grow up to be adults who expect to be served.  

So think of it this way; teaching your kids to help out around the house is really a public service!

A Quick Video of Proof  (in 55 seconds and she's 4!)

WHAT'S WORKING FOR YOU?

I'd love to hear from you. I'll bet you have some great ideas of your own on how to get kids to help out around the house!

Let me know what you're doing that works!

ThatCarolJones

  

How to Get Your Kids to Stop Whining (For Real)

Apparently, I am not the only mom in the world who equates whining children with the sound that a sick cat makes (how's that for imagery?)

When my boys were little, I confess, it took me a long time to realize the reason they whined was because I responded to their whining by . . . whining. (Sorry, don't shoot me, but it's true!)

Think about the way you typically respond to whining . . .

(go ahead, I'm waiting for you to actually replay a recent whining scenario in your head).  

You might start off great, all parental-like and all, but at some point you start whining yourself.  

Whining begets whining (pretty sure that's in the old testament). HA.  

But I learned a really valuable "Mommy Mantra" that works like a charm.  I'm going to share with you not only what to say, but also how to say it.

The Mommy Mantra for Whining Children

"I understand what you want, but can you say it in your real girl/boy voice?" 

or 

"I'd like to help you, but can you say it in your real girl/boy voice?"

Validate You Heard Them

First of all, you are validating that you heard them when you say, "I understand what you want," or "I'd like to help you."

Trying to get them to rephrase in a better tone of voice will simply not work if you don't validate that you understand their needs/wants. 

EVEN IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO OR CAN'T COMPLY WITH THEIR REQUEST, YOU MUST VALIDATE . . . yes, I'm kind of yelling that. It's very important. :)

Why Saying "Use Your Big Boy Voice" Doesn't Work

You probably use the phrase "big girl" or "big boy" all the time.  "Be a big boy and go put your toys away," or "Be a big girl in the store for me."  The phrase "big girl and big boy" are overused, so they have virtually no meaning to your child.  (I know, sad, but true.)

So when you say, "Use your big boy voice," you may as well not be saying anything.  They simply aren't going to listen. Saying "real girl voice" changes things up.  It catches their attention.  You're going to have to trust me!

Whatever You Do

This will hands down be the hardest part for most moms; don't get whiny.  

Whatever you do . . .  

Don't.Whine.

Keep a very calm tone and continually repeat, "I understand you'd like (fill in the blank).  Can you say it in your real boy voice?"

If you see it's not working, then switch to modeling the question and tone of voice you want them to use.

The SECOND they rephrase, you'd better act like they just won the Nobel peace prize.  I mean, short of a confetti and balloon drop, it needs to be a CELEBRATION that they changed their whiny tone into a real voice!

After you have done this for a few days (yep, that's really all it takes) then you'll just have to say the mommy mantra "I understand what you want.  Can you say it in your real boy/girl voice?" and they will immediately comply.

Nothing will actually stop the whining from happening in the first place.  But quickly reminding them to rephrase will prevent escalations and temper tantrums and bring peace to your nerves and your home.  

As with anything related to parenting, you have to be consistent.  But if you can consistently use this approach, you'll be astounded at the results.

If you have any questions about this Mommy Mantra, let me know below.  Or, if you have some whining tips of your own, I'd love to hear those too!

When Disrespect Rules Your Home

"Carol, I don't really know how to ask this question without dishonoring my husband in the process, so I'm going to try my hardest.  And maybe it's a marriage question more than a parenting question.  I don't know.  Anyway, here's my question.  I sometimes struggle with whether my first priority is to my kids or to my husband.  We have 5 kids from 4 to 14 and honestly, they take every amount of energy that I have.  My husband often gets jealous about the time I spend with them, and I think he's just being immature.  They're children.  Shouldn't they be both of our first priorities? Oh, and can I be anonymous?" - Anonymous 

First of all, yes, you can be anonymous.  I know that sometimes putting your name out there feels very risky, so I will always honor a request to remain anonymous.  (For the sake of this post, I'll just call you "A.") And secondly, wow, what a question.  And not an easy one to answer.  It's both a marriage and a parenting question. And for me, somewhat of a faith-based question.  

I'd also like to say that my answer doesn't have anything to do with bigger questions like what role the parent plays in the family (stay at home dads - breadwinner moms, etc.)

(I'm geared up for the hate mail . . . but here goes.)

So "A," this is going to sound radically crazy, and maybe even a tad bit unpopular in many circles, but I believe that if you are a married mom, then your number one priority is to love and respect your husband. I'm not saying that feeding your kids and tending to their critical needs won't sometimes come before what your husband needs. Obviously there are things that you have to tend to first.

What I'm saying is that overall, as a general rule, your overarching priority should be centered around loving & respecting your husband. Trust me when I say you will be astounded at how much easier parenting is if you get that part right!

Here's why I said "for me" it's somewhat of a faith-based question.

Ephesians 5:33 says, “So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband – obeying, praising and honoring him."

Why does God tell men to love and women to respect? I can't say for sure. I'm not a biblical scholar, but I do know this; more often than not, homes don’t fall apart because wives stop loving their husbands, they fall apart because they stop respecting them.

WHY IT MATTERS IF YOU RESPECT YOUR HUSBAND

In a home where the mom does not respect the dad, the kids are sure to follow suit.  And a house filled with disrespect is a recipe for a parenting nightmare.

So step number one is to ask yourself, "Do I respect my husband?" Should be a fairly simple answer. You either do or you don't.

Step number two, and this one is harder . . .  ask yourself,"Do I respect my husband's parenting?" And maybe this one is a fairly simple answer as well. But if the answer is no, then you need to ask yourself a few questions.

5 Quick Questions to Help You Respect His Parenting

• What don't you respect about his parenting?
• Is he actually parenting in a harmful way, or is he just parenting in a different way than you? (If your husband is abusive, then all this is out the window. See below)
• Are there places the two of you can comprise in the parenting arena?
• How do you handle comprise?
• Do you let your husband lead, or do you constantly try to be in control? (for me, again this is a faith-based decision. I do think parenting your kids is a joint decision, but who has the "final say?" Someone has to have it.)

I would just like to say again, but rephrased with a positive outcome :) . . . in homes where moms respect dads, in a home filled with respect, parenting is an easier process.

So I say to you moms, love your husband like crazy, but shower him with your respect. Admire the way he leads your family, and let him know it! And then sit back and watch the way it changes your family!

A note to women with abusive husbands.  In this situation, your number one priority is to protect your children.  Please contact me if you need help, and I can give you resources for the area where you live.

TELL ME

What are you struggling with in your role as a mom? What keeps you up at night? If it's too personal to comment below, please email me at thatcaroljones@gmail.com

Want to Know How to Get Your Kids to Do What You Say?

Apparently, Mike and I aren't the only ones who occasionally disagree about how we're going to parent our kids.  Today's question is from a young woman with 5 children!  Here's what she asked.

So here's my big question: What do you do when you and your husband are not on the same page with parenting? I feel like our kids are getting mixed messages from us and are confused. My kids listen to me because they know I will follow through. My husband yells and threatens, but there is no consistency and no follow through. They push his buttons til he is angry and THEN they listen. Help? - Anonymous

Let me start by saying thank you for your question.  There's a lot of emotion packed into it, because I know how stressful and draining it can be when you and your husband aren't on the same parenting page (or even in the same book!)  

You hit on some very key points in parenting, ones I'd like to look at a little closer.

First of all, follow through is key! If you say you are going to do something, then you have to do it. So be careful with your threats. Kids should know that when you speak; you mean it. Everyone, even kids, recognizes an empty threat.

Next, remember this simple rule. When it comes to parenting, the first one who yells, loses. (click to tweet) If your kids can push you to the point of anger that you yell, you lose. Think about it this way; once you yell, you have lost control, right? And if you aren't in control, then they are.

  Third, proximity over volume. Do you really want your kids to do what you say? Move closer to them. Don't yell from across the room. Sitting across the room and yelling doesn't really send a message that you mean business. 

Most "yellers" will move closer to their kids only when they've gotten angry. The end result is the same. 


You are going to eventually have to get up and move to where the kids are anyway. So why not do so before you get angry and lose control? I say again, if you lose control, they are in control.

And lastly, and this is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, consistency is vital. The rules can't change because you are tired, or because you had a hard day at the office, or because you need 5 minutes to yourself. The boundaries can't shift because you are in a good mood either. 

Consistency is the key everyday, in every situation. If you will take just two days and be very consistent, you will be astounded at the difference in your household. You'll be exhausted, but you'll be astounded in a positive way! Two days. You can do it!

If you and your husband can get on the same page with these few parenting tips, then you'll be well on your way to a harmonious household!

Join the Conversation . . .

How are you doing in these four parenting essentials? I'd love to know what works for you.  And don't forget, leave me your question or email me directly at thatcaroljones@gmail.com

ThatCarolJones

There's No Such Thing As An Expert

Apparently, there are people in the world who consider themselves to be experts on parenting.  That makes me chuckle a little bit and shake my head, too, because I don't think you can be an expert on parenting. I think you can parent.  I think you can successfully raise children from infancy to adulthood, but I don't think that makes you an expert.  I think that makes you a survivor. HA!

I'm not an expert on parenting. I am a parent.  And I have successfully raised two sons from their infancy to adulthood.   I've survived the terrible twos and potty training, bad grades and bullies, teenage attitudes, driving, dating, drinking, and broken hearts (and not necessarily in that order).

And if that's not enough, my husband and I decided we'd start ALL OVER again and recently adopted twin girls. Yep, we're starting all over  . . . in our 50's!

These are my awesome kids! (My sons, daughters and daughter-in-law)

I have raised one set of kids and now I am raising another one. So perhaps it is possible that through much trial and error (mostly error) I have picked up a thing or two about parenting.  A guideline of sorts on what to do and what not to do along the way.

I'll share all my pearls of wisdom (aka things I royally screwed up and hope to save you from screwing up as well!) I'll share some funny stories, some not so funny stories, and I will do my very best to answer your questions.

So feel free to leave a question or two, and then check back frequently.  You never know when one of your questions will become the question of the day.

And just to get things rolling, I'm going to answer a question that has a super easy answer.

The question is from my good friend, Becky, (Mom of two grown sons) who asks:

"When does it END!? And, of course, I know the answer is not until the Lord takes one of us home."

I asked a similar question once from a man whom I greatly respected.  I asked, "Why is it so hard much harder to parent my adult kids than it was when they were children?" He said, "Because you aren't supposed to parent them.  You move from parent to trusted advisor . . . if you're lucky.  And if not, then you move from parent to observer.  Anything else will push further and further away and you'll move from parent to stranger to estranged."  That was brilliant advice.  Advice I have heeded (hopefully well, but you'd have to ask my sons how I'm doing!)

Apparently, it does end . . . unless of course you start over! ThatCarolJones