10 Ways to Parent Your Argumentative Child

It's a little humorous to me that I have " mom peers" that are the same age as my grown sons; mommies that I can remember as children themselves who now have kids the same age as my girls.  Funny the way life turns.

One of those moms is my friend, Staci, mom to TJ, and Staci writes:

Any advice for a toddler who argues with everything I say? 

Me: "It's raining so hard outside."

TJ: "No it's not raining."

And so it goes on and on.  Exhausting.

Staci, having an argumentative child can be quite exhausting.  And if you're like most moms, on some days you can playfully engage him, and on other days you want to scream, "WHY MUST YOU ARGUE WITH EVERY SINGLE THING I SAY TO YOU?!!!!"

You might be pleased to know that this is actually a very common behavior, and especially so in children who have a gifted languaging center in their brain (so that's good news, right?!)

But knowing that something is a common behavior and surviving it can be two very different things, so I'm going to give you a few coping tips (just to keep you sane), as well as some things you can do to capitalize on TJ's strengths.

Let's begin with how to keep you sane.  

FIVE SIMPLE WAYS TO KEEP YOUR SANITY WITH AN ARGUMENTATIVE TODDLER

1. Remember, He's Not Trying to Push Your Buttons 

If you can remember this one first, it will be so helpful. In the early toddler years, it's really more about exploration and learning than it is arguing, but over time, you can be training your child to argue.  

Allowing TJ to push your buttons becomes a learned response, something he quickly realizes gives him the upper hand.

The downside is, you may have already trained him to realize he gets a "rise" out of you when he says the opposite of what you say.  

But even if this is the case, you can undo the damage (training) already done by protecting your buttons and using other strategies before you blow up.

2. Don't Engage 

While you might think that TJ is arguing with you, in reality, he's likely doing one of two things; 

• He's either testing boundaries, "If I say this, how will she react?"
• He's just trying out his vocabulary.  

Both are normal.  Either is frustrating.

3.  Use Simple Facial and Body Language 

Use simple facial and body language, but don't use words.  It's another form of "Don't engage" but communicates to TJ that you heard him.

• Shrug your shoulders
• Smile with an amused look
• Raise your eyebrows
• Fake shock (like the shocked face you'd use to discover it isn't raining, when clearly there is rain falling.)

4. Decide What is a Non-Negotiable and What Really Doesn't Matter.  (If it doesn't matter, don't engage.)

• Non-Negotiable: "TJ, don't touch the stove, it's hot." TJ: "It's not hot." (Reaches for stove)

      Clearly requires a response from you.

• Doesn't Matter: "TJ, look at the rain." TJ: "It's not raining."  (requires no response from you.  Does it really matter if it's raining or not?)

5.  Look, a Giant Stuffed Salmon

Ah, the art of a good subject change. One quick way to diffuse your own tension and your child's argument is to quickly change the subject (unless #4 applies).

Staci: "Look, it's raining."

TJ: "It's not raining."

Staci: "That rain makes me thirsty.  I think I'll get a drink.  Do you want a drink?"

BONUS: Just Knowing You Are Right Can Be Enough 

I'm going to confess, this isn't my most mature response, but it helps me when my 5-year-olds argue with me.  In my head I say to myself, "Well, it doesn't really matter what you think because I know I'm right."  (Seriously, I do say that to myself sometimes . . . in my head . . . and then I smile victoriously. WINNING!)

I know, very mature. :)

USING THEIR IMAGINATION AND OTHER STRENGTHS TO STOP ARGUMENTS

The good news is, you can actually use this very annoying (albeit very likely temporary) stage to help your child learn a thing or two about communication and life. 

I know I have a bunch of pictures of
this kid, but really, isn't he awesome?!

1. Play the What If Game

Staci:  "Look TJ, it's raining."
TJ: "It's not raining."
Staci:  "But what if it was raining, what could we do in the rain?"

This strategy takes the focus off the argument and helps your child build some critical thinking skills.  Sometimes they might persist with the argument part ("but it's not raining,") at which point you just continue to say, "But what if it was?" 

You might have to offer up some examples of your own to get the ball rolling.

2.  Use Your Imagination

Staci:  "Look TJ, it's raining."
TJ: "It's not raining."
Staci:  "Oh my goodness, you are right.  That's not rain.  It's chocolate milk!"


This strategy allows your child to be silly and imaginative.  Typically, they will very quickly join in the game.  To help your child understand, you can say, "Wait, is that chocolate milk?  What is that falling from the sky?"

3.  Make Him Convince You

You would think this one would require a great level of intellect and maturity on the part of your child, but you'd be amazed how much this does for his linguistic and reasoning skills!

Staci: "It's raining."

TJ: "It's not raining."

Staci: "What? (faked shock) It's not raining? Convince me."

In the beginning, he won't understand.  But he'll catch on quickly enough.  This actually turned out to be a fun game with my sons (and probably why they are such darned good debaters!)

4.  Agree to Disagree

This is actually an incredible life skill that your child needs to learn.  Sometimes in life, we just have to agree to disagree.  

Staci: "It's raining."

TJ: "It's not raining."

Staci: "Well, then I guess we'll have to agree to disagree, because I feel pretty sure it's raining, and you seem pretty sure it's not."

Staci, as I said earlier, having an argumentative child is exhausting. Trust me girl, I get it.  I have two of them!  And some days, I throw all my best parenting advice out the window and say, "Because I said so!"  

So next time TJ wants to argue, try one (or several) of these approaches, and let us know how it goes!

Official Disclaimer:
Though I think far too many children wear far too many labels, I would be remiss not to mention that their are emotional disorders that can cause oppositional behavior in a child.  Always talk with your pediatrician about concerns you have with your child.

So tell me, what do YOU do to enjoy, engage and parent your argumentative child?  I'll bet you've got some tricks up your sleeve I'd love to try too!