10 Ways to Parent Your Argumentative Child

It's a little humorous to me that I have " mom peers" that are the same age as my grown sons; mommies that I can remember as children themselves who now have kids the same age as my girls.  Funny the way life turns.

One of those moms is my friend, Staci, mom to TJ, and Staci writes:

Any advice for a toddler who argues with everything I say? 

Me: "It's raining so hard outside."

TJ: "No it's not raining."

And so it goes on and on.  Exhausting.

Staci, having an argumentative child can be quite exhausting.  And if you're like most moms, on some days you can playfully engage him, and on other days you want to scream, "WHY MUST YOU ARGUE WITH EVERY SINGLE THING I SAY TO YOU?!!!!"

You might be pleased to know that this is actually a very common behavior, and especially so in children who have a gifted languaging center in their brain (so that's good news, right?!)

But knowing that something is a common behavior and surviving it can be two very different things, so I'm going to give you a few coping tips (just to keep you sane), as well as some things you can do to capitalize on TJ's strengths.

Let's begin with how to keep you sane.  

FIVE SIMPLE WAYS TO KEEP YOUR SANITY WITH AN ARGUMENTATIVE TODDLER

1. Remember, He's Not Trying to Push Your Buttons 

If you can remember this one first, it will be so helpful. In the early toddler years, it's really more about exploration and learning than it is arguing, but over time, you can be training your child to argue.  

Allowing TJ to push your buttons becomes a learned response, something he quickly realizes gives him the upper hand.

The downside is, you may have already trained him to realize he gets a "rise" out of you when he says the opposite of what you say.  

But even if this is the case, you can undo the damage (training) already done by protecting your buttons and using other strategies before you blow up.

2. Don't Engage 

While you might think that TJ is arguing with you, in reality, he's likely doing one of two things; 

• He's either testing boundaries, "If I say this, how will she react?"
• He's just trying out his vocabulary.  

Both are normal.  Either is frustrating.

3.  Use Simple Facial and Body Language 

Use simple facial and body language, but don't use words.  It's another form of "Don't engage" but communicates to TJ that you heard him.

• Shrug your shoulders
• Smile with an amused look
• Raise your eyebrows
• Fake shock (like the shocked face you'd use to discover it isn't raining, when clearly there is rain falling.)

4. Decide What is a Non-Negotiable and What Really Doesn't Matter.  (If it doesn't matter, don't engage.)

• Non-Negotiable: "TJ, don't touch the stove, it's hot." TJ: "It's not hot." (Reaches for stove)

      Clearly requires a response from you.

• Doesn't Matter: "TJ, look at the rain." TJ: "It's not raining."  (requires no response from you.  Does it really matter if it's raining or not?)

5.  Look, a Giant Stuffed Salmon

Ah, the art of a good subject change. One quick way to diffuse your own tension and your child's argument is to quickly change the subject (unless #4 applies).

Staci: "Look, it's raining."

TJ: "It's not raining."

Staci: "That rain makes me thirsty.  I think I'll get a drink.  Do you want a drink?"

BONUS: Just Knowing You Are Right Can Be Enough 

I'm going to confess, this isn't my most mature response, but it helps me when my 5-year-olds argue with me.  In my head I say to myself, "Well, it doesn't really matter what you think because I know I'm right."  (Seriously, I do say that to myself sometimes . . . in my head . . . and then I smile victoriously. WINNING!)

I know, very mature. :)

USING THEIR IMAGINATION AND OTHER STRENGTHS TO STOP ARGUMENTS

The good news is, you can actually use this very annoying (albeit very likely temporary) stage to help your child learn a thing or two about communication and life. 

I know I have a bunch of pictures of
this kid, but really, isn't he awesome?!

1. Play the What If Game

Staci:  "Look TJ, it's raining."
TJ: "It's not raining."
Staci:  "But what if it was raining, what could we do in the rain?"

This strategy takes the focus off the argument and helps your child build some critical thinking skills.  Sometimes they might persist with the argument part ("but it's not raining,") at which point you just continue to say, "But what if it was?" 

You might have to offer up some examples of your own to get the ball rolling.

2.  Use Your Imagination

Staci:  "Look TJ, it's raining."
TJ: "It's not raining."
Staci:  "Oh my goodness, you are right.  That's not rain.  It's chocolate milk!"


This strategy allows your child to be silly and imaginative.  Typically, they will very quickly join in the game.  To help your child understand, you can say, "Wait, is that chocolate milk?  What is that falling from the sky?"

3.  Make Him Convince You

You would think this one would require a great level of intellect and maturity on the part of your child, but you'd be amazed how much this does for his linguistic and reasoning skills!

Staci: "It's raining."

TJ: "It's not raining."

Staci: "What? (faked shock) It's not raining? Convince me."

In the beginning, he won't understand.  But he'll catch on quickly enough.  This actually turned out to be a fun game with my sons (and probably why they are such darned good debaters!)

4.  Agree to Disagree

This is actually an incredible life skill that your child needs to learn.  Sometimes in life, we just have to agree to disagree.  

Staci: "It's raining."

TJ: "It's not raining."

Staci: "Well, then I guess we'll have to agree to disagree, because I feel pretty sure it's raining, and you seem pretty sure it's not."

Staci, as I said earlier, having an argumentative child is exhausting. Trust me girl, I get it.  I have two of them!  And some days, I throw all my best parenting advice out the window and say, "Because I said so!"  

So next time TJ wants to argue, try one (or several) of these approaches, and let us know how it goes!

Official Disclaimer:
Though I think far too many children wear far too many labels, I would be remiss not to mention that their are emotional disorders that can cause oppositional behavior in a child.  Always talk with your pediatrician about concerns you have with your child.

So tell me, what do YOU do to enjoy, engage and parent your argumentative child?  I'll bet you've got some tricks up your sleeve I'd love to try too!

When Disrespect Rules Your Home

"Carol, I don't really know how to ask this question without dishonoring my husband in the process, so I'm going to try my hardest.  And maybe it's a marriage question more than a parenting question.  I don't know.  Anyway, here's my question.  I sometimes struggle with whether my first priority is to my kids or to my husband.  We have 5 kids from 4 to 14 and honestly, they take every amount of energy that I have.  My husband often gets jealous about the time I spend with them, and I think he's just being immature.  They're children.  Shouldn't they be both of our first priorities? Oh, and can I be anonymous?" - Anonymous 

First of all, yes, you can be anonymous.  I know that sometimes putting your name out there feels very risky, so I will always honor a request to remain anonymous.  (For the sake of this post, I'll just call you "A.") And secondly, wow, what a question.  And not an easy one to answer.  It's both a marriage and a parenting question. And for me, somewhat of a faith-based question.  

I'd also like to say that my answer doesn't have anything to do with bigger questions like what role the parent plays in the family (stay at home dads - breadwinner moms, etc.)

(I'm geared up for the hate mail . . . but here goes.)

So "A," this is going to sound radically crazy, and maybe even a tad bit unpopular in many circles, but I believe that if you are a married mom, then your number one priority is to love and respect your husband. I'm not saying that feeding your kids and tending to their critical needs won't sometimes come before what your husband needs. Obviously there are things that you have to tend to first.

What I'm saying is that overall, as a general rule, your overarching priority should be centered around loving & respecting your husband. Trust me when I say you will be astounded at how much easier parenting is if you get that part right!

Here's why I said "for me" it's somewhat of a faith-based question.

Ephesians 5:33 says, “So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband – obeying, praising and honoring him."

Why does God tell men to love and women to respect? I can't say for sure. I'm not a biblical scholar, but I do know this; more often than not, homes don’t fall apart because wives stop loving their husbands, they fall apart because they stop respecting them.

WHY IT MATTERS IF YOU RESPECT YOUR HUSBAND

In a home where the mom does not respect the dad, the kids are sure to follow suit.  And a house filled with disrespect is a recipe for a parenting nightmare.

So step number one is to ask yourself, "Do I respect my husband?" Should be a fairly simple answer. You either do or you don't.

Step number two, and this one is harder . . .  ask yourself,"Do I respect my husband's parenting?" And maybe this one is a fairly simple answer as well. But if the answer is no, then you need to ask yourself a few questions.

5 Quick Questions to Help You Respect His Parenting

• What don't you respect about his parenting?
• Is he actually parenting in a harmful way, or is he just parenting in a different way than you? (If your husband is abusive, then all this is out the window. See below)
• Are there places the two of you can comprise in the parenting arena?
• How do you handle comprise?
• Do you let your husband lead, or do you constantly try to be in control? (for me, again this is a faith-based decision. I do think parenting your kids is a joint decision, but who has the "final say?" Someone has to have it.)

I would just like to say again, but rephrased with a positive outcome :) . . . in homes where moms respect dads, in a home filled with respect, parenting is an easier process.

So I say to you moms, love your husband like crazy, but shower him with your respect. Admire the way he leads your family, and let him know it! And then sit back and watch the way it changes your family!

A note to women with abusive husbands.  In this situation, your number one priority is to protect your children.  Please contact me if you need help, and I can give you resources for the area where you live.

TELL ME

What are you struggling with in your role as a mom? What keeps you up at night? If it's too personal to comment below, please email me at thatcaroljones@gmail.com