Frankly, I am shocked by this because my children never fight with each other.
Nope, they are just perfect little best friends, always building each other up.
(You didn't get to experience it in real time, but LITERALLY right after I wrote the above sentence, the girls were fighting over a small bouncy ball, sent it sailing across the room, where it landed with a GIANT SPLASH right into my hot cup of coffee . . . spraying me AND my computer with hot coffee. I couldn't make this stuff up! If I was a good blogger, my panic over my computer would have been overridden by my need to take a picture for the blog! HA!)
How Do I End Sibling Meanness?
Anyway, today's question is from my from Elizabeth who asked, "Carol, I have three kids and they are just so mean to each other sometimes. I know that deep down inside they love each other, but how do I get what's deep down inside to surface? :) How do I shut down the mean words and sibiling fights once and for all? Sibling rivalry is exhausting me!"
Ah, sibling rivalry and sibling meanness. It's amazing how early on kids learn how to say mean things to each other. I think most bullies learn their bullying skills in their own backyards. (sad, but true.)
When my boys were kids, nothing made me madder than when they were unkind to each other, no matter the age, from toddlerhood to teenagers. I could handle fighting over toys. I could handle fights over their shared bedroom. I could even handle the fights over the car (as they got older) but the one thing I absolutely didn't tolerate was unkindness toward one another.
The Say Something Nice Method
Anytime they were unkind to each other, I made them sit knee to knee (knees actually touching . . . closeness is important) and I would make them go back and forth complimenting each other. In the beginning, they had a hard time with this because they didn't actually know how to say something encouraging. (Sad commentary on my parenting skills.)
They said things like, "I like your toys." So I had to make some guidelines for the "Say Something Nice" method. They weren't allowed to say something nice about each other's "things," they could only talk about the person they were sitting knee to knee with. So they would say things like, "I like your hair," or "I like your face."
Within just a matter of moments, they would go from fighting and mean to laughing and friends again. My sons are good friends now. It's not that they aren't ever annoyed with each other (they ARE still siblings), but they have developed a deep love for one another that will last their lifetime. And I imagine our girls will be the same."It Works!"
(Elizabeth actually asked me this question a while back, and since then, she has already used the Say Something Nice method with her kids, and even sent me some pics to show me the results. Thought you'd enjoy them too!)
Being kind is a learned behavior. It is learned through modeling by the parent, but is also learned with practice. So, next time your kids are mean to each other, try this! It's a positive approach to an age old problem. And Elizabeth, even though it won't eradicate sibling meanness forever, it will certainly help your kids begin to identify the loveable things about their siblings!
ThatCarolJones
